Hanging with Pupil

Totally went starstruck over Ely Buendia when we had our shoot for the mag yesterday. Would have wanted to tell him I had him sign my Circus album ten freakin' years ago. Hahaha.

The pupil guys were cool, and are great musicians. And they were game to pose with me for this picture. I'm sure they'll go a long way with their new album Beautiful Machines. I watched them twice already. One at a press launch and the other at the Bahay ng Alumni at the UP. Magnetic, way too cool.

Oh and tried the archery thing. Legolas, hats off!

Awakening of the Muse

It's funny how the band started: all a hilarious joke. Alex and I merely hoped to play at this bar near the office. We wanted the usual mill: acoustic of course, just for the kicks and for the money. Ha ha! Then the joke went forward, both of us asking another officemate to join. Then another in the form of a beer buddy. Then alex's cousin. And now we're a band with gigs. Whoever thought this would have happened. Well, it's not that we're still goofing around. When I spent a big wad of dough on a new synth, that was it for me. Everything's real and must be taken seriously.

I had a band before but that was ages ago. Oh, seven. Yeah, ages. And it feels great to practice again, get excited over a show, and well write songs. It seems surreal now that I am doing this. Whenever I sit in front of my keys, I ask myself, "Is this for real?" Crazy. And I envisioned playing at this bar called Saguijo. Just four months ago I thought that maybe in a year if we're lucky. And we're playing there in three weeks. I'm overwhelmed. Completely still in a state of shock.

Anyway, finally after two years I'm back at Ang INK. It's a group that illustrates children's books, based at the UP. To be in an environment again filled with artists is utmostly charming. I've been put back in water. My exhibit? That's another story. A dream maybe in a few years. For now, things are great. I feel a sudden burst of energy, as if awaken from a deep slumber. I just hope the growth ain't a premature one. We'll see.

The World is my Limbo

How it is, difficult. Sometimes the idea of flying out from a window is tempting, romantic even. I've always dreamed of flying anyway- the thought of the floor, of an end. And I've always admired the courage of the fallen angels. How determined. How definite. As if they are sure that life elsewhere is better, anywhere as long as it's not here.

I feel like the world is my limbo. I walk as if somewhere, I've lost myself. There, here, I look only to find out that I do not know what it is that I'm searching for.

If I end things now, then what?

The Moon Tree

I got a stint as a photographer for this wedding yesterday. My feet are still throbbing after following people around from 9AM till 12MN. It was crazy, but fun nonetheless. And the required photographs were of the documentary kind so that gave me a lot of creative freedom-to shoot at my own discretion.

I wouldn't say I'm a big fan of weddings. The giddiness of it all pushes me back to think of what I do not have, or almost had. As the night carelessly progressed, I felt more depressed. While downing coffee liquor, in the middle of mandatory happiness, I asked for beautiful things to come my way.

But the night truly hides its surprises. Later on, it gave me the wonderful gift of moonlight. Here, a picture of my moon tree. I left with a wish granted: Beautiful things are sure to come my way.

After the Breakage

It has been what, five months since the breakage. And I remain broken. And if anyone can propose any form of repair, I'm open to new ideas that I might have left out. Done the booze thing, done the spending time out with friends, done almost anything imaginable. Maybe it's just time then. Maybe.

It's not as if I haven't been on ground zero before. I have. If my memory serves me right, this is the third time that my ailing spirit was tossed to delirium. Ah, the consequences of letting your heart go, loving unconditionally like as if tomorrow won't come. But I haven't regretted anything. At least I know that I am capable of giving and of loving - like this. It is now that when I look back that I say that it was beautiful, while it lasted. An experience for the books.

And what is it that I have learned? Many I would say. But ultimately, it all boils down to loving the self before, during and after the breakage.

The State of the Rambling Mind

I'm thinking, when will this come to an end - forgetting that is. I feel utmostly stuck, hoping that two years would pass. Then maybe I won't be recalling and reminiscing as much. But time, does it really provide healing?

Last night, I was watching TV. This psychiatrist commented that people never forget but with time as the healing catalyst, good memories will replace the ill. Really now, I thought.

If feelings are always triggered by things or events associated with the desired object, thanks to the part of the brain called the amygdala, then does healing really exist or is it just an unachievable state? When does the amygdala stop from associating? And if it doesn't, how can one move on? Does one really move on or are we all in denial? One would say, 'Ive moved on,' but when a memory surfaces, then the effect: coming back to square one. I am intellectualizing, as always as defense to my pain. But how can psychological defense mechanisms work if one is aware of its usage?

Too many questions...How exhausting it is to ask, when the real answer is that no one really knows for sure.

An Offering to Janus

I will be going up to beautiful Baguio this weekend to celebrate the New Year. I need this time now to think, to restore my energies, to nurse my wounds, and to paint. For lately, my mind has been severly cluttered with heavy baggage. It is my hope that I leave everything there - the much-awaited renewal.

At the top of the northern mountain, I will be offering myself to Janus, the Roman god of new beginnings and of harvest. And burn things that must be burned. Destroy all that destroys me. And on the first day of the coming year, I will be back here in the city...cleansed by a deity with two faces.